Is Your Mind Working Against You? How to Take Back Control

Most people believe their biggest obstacles are external: the difficult boss, the unstable market, the demanding clients, the lack of time. But what if the greatest obstacle to your performance, relationships, and well-being isn’t outside you at all? What if it’s your own mind?

This is the central idea behind Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine, a leadership coach and psychologist who has studied how our minds can either work for or against us. Chamine identifies ten “Saboteurs” — habitual mental patterns rooted in fear that quietly undermine performance and relationships.

His work builds on concepts from growth mindset research (Carol Dweck), emotional intelligence (Daniel Goleman), and self-compassion studies (Kristin Neff), showing that awareness and daily practice can literally rewire the brain for greater mental fitness.

The Invisible Inner Enemy

Have you ever:

• Replayed a mistake over and over?

• Assumed the worst before something even happened?

• Worked relentlessly but still felt “not enough”?

• Avoided a difficult conversation for weeks?

• Said “yes” when you really meant “no”?

Those aren’t random behaviors. They are patterns. Chamine calls them Saboteurs — habitual mental responses rooted in fear. In psychology, they closely resemble cognitive distortions — automatic negative thought patterns that shape emotional reality. Neuroscience shows that when we perceive threat, the amygdala triggers a stress response: cortisol rises, creativity drops, and emotional regulation decreases. In other words, when fear leads, performance drops.

The Ten Saboteurs: How They Show Up

Everyone has a core inner critic (the Judge). In addition, most of us also develop secondary patterns. Each can show up differently depending on the context: at work, in relationships, or in everyday life.

These saboteurs are not flaws or signs of weakness. They are protective survival strategies the mind developed to create safety, approval, certainty, or control. The challenge is that while they may once have served us, they often become automatic patterns that limit our effectiveness, peace of mind, and relationships.

1. The Judge — The Master Saboteur

Criticizes self, others, and circumstances.

The Judge is the universal saboteur and the one that fuels all the others. It constantly evaluates what is wrong, what should be better, and who is to blame.

At Work:

Obsessing over mistakes you made hours or days ago

Blaming colleagues when things go wrong ('They're incompetent')

Harsh self-criticism after presentations or meetings

Critical thoughts about how others do their jobs

Focuses on what went wrong rather than what was accomplished

In Relationships:

Silent resentment and keeping score

Judging a partner's character based on one action

Internally criticizing behavior while avoiding direct communication

Difficulty forgiving mistakes

internally criticizing behavior while avoiding direct communication

Daily Life:

Chronic dissatisfaction — nothing is quite good enough

Constant comparison with others

Replaying embarrassing moments from years ago

Finding what's wrong before appreciating what's right

Difficulty to fully enjoy success

How It Often Sounds:

“I should have done better.”

“They always mess things up.”

“Why does this keep happening?”

Reset Tips:

• Pause and label it: “This is my Judge speaking.”

• Ask: “What can I learn here?”

• Separate facts from interpretation.

• Shift from criticism to curiosity: “What’s actually happening?”

• Name three things that are going right.

• Practice self-compassion instead of self-correction.

2. The Controller — “If I Don’t Control It, It Will Fail”

Seeks safety through control.

The Controller believes safety comes from control — if you can manage every variable, predict every outcome, and ensure things go according to plan, then nothing bad will happen. The Controller becomes hypervigilant about order, systems, and certainty. When circumstances are ambiguous or outside your control, anxiety spikes.

At Work:

Micromanaging: difficulty delegating because others 'won't do it right'

Needing to know all the details, even if not necessary for your role

Anxiety when plans change or outcomes are uncertain

Creating processes and systems (useful, but sometimes excessive)

Difficulty with collaborative environments where you're not in charge

In Relationships:

Need to win arguments or prove you're right

Correcting others' mistakes or choices (even when unsolicited)

Difficulty trusting others' competence

Creating rules or systems that others must follow

Daily Life:

Irritation or anxiety when plans change

Difficulty delegating household tasks

Discomfort with uncertainty (even healthy uncertainty, like 'we don't know yet')

Over-planning as a way to manage anxiety

How It Often Sounds:

“It’s easier if I just do it myself.”

“Why can’t people do it the right way?”

Reset Tips:

• Ask: “Is control necessary here?”

• Distinguish between control, influence, and acceptance.

• Delegate one small task fully.

• Relax physical tension (jaw, shoulders, hands).

• Reframe uncertainty as possibility.

3. The Hyper-Achiever — “I Am What I Accomplish”

Self-worth tied to achievement.

The Hyper-Achiever ties self-worth entirely to accomplishment and productivity. Success = worthiness. Rest = laziness or failure. There's always more to achieve, another milestone, another goal. The present moment and intrinsic qualities are overlooked in favor of the next achievement.

At Work:

Consistently overworking (50-60 hours a week as a norm)

Difficulty taking breaks or vacation

Relentless goal chasing

Overcommitting to projects and responsibilities

Measuring self-worth by promotions, titles, accomplishments

In Relationships:

Career prioritized over emotional presence with family

Difficulty just being with someone without 'doing' or achieving

Feeling like relationship time is 'wasted time' if it's not productive

Bringing work stress into personal time

Daily Life:

Restlessness during downtime — feels uncomfortable without a project

Constant sense of 'I should be doing something'

Difficulty enjoying accomplishments before moving to the next goal

Feeling 'behind' even when objectively successful

How It Often Sounds:

“I haven’t done enough.”

“I’ll feel better once I achieve this.”

Reset Tips:

• Separate self-worth from achievements.

• Celebrate effort, not just outcomes.

• List positive qualities that are not related to success.

• Schedule intentional rest.

• Practice doing something for joy alone.

4. The Pleaser — “I Need Approval to Be Safe”

Seeks harmony to feel secure.

The Pleaser believes that if everyone is happy with you, you're safe. So you say yes to things you don't want to do. You suppress your own needs and opinions. You manage others' emotions to prevent conflict. You fear disappointing anyone, even strangers. Your nervous system is attuned to others' needs, not your own.

At Work:

Overcommitting, even when overloaded

Avoiding confrontation, saying yes too quickly

Not speaking up with ideas or concerns in meetings

Taking on others' emotions — if the boss is upset, you absorb it

Difficulty with performance reviews or feedback

Working extra hours to make others happy, even when unnecessary

In Relationships:

Fear of disappointing others

Suppressing your own needs and wants to avoid burdening others

Difficulty saying no, even when you want to

Resentment building silently because you're not being authentic

Emotional exhaustion from constantly managing the relationship

Daily Life:

Difficulty setting boundaries with family, friends, or strangers

Taking on others' problems as your responsibility

Anxiety about social interactions (fear of being judged or not liked)

Feeling obligated to respond to every message immediately

How It Often Sounds:

“I don’t want to upset anyone.”

“It’s easier if I just go along with it.”

Reset Tips:

• Pause before saying yes.

• Ask: “What do I actually want?”

• Practice assertive “no” in low-stakes situations.

• Remember: disagreement is not rejection.

• Notice resentment as a boundary signal.

5. The Avoider — “If I Ignore It, It Will Go Away”

Avoids discomfort.

The Avoider seeks short-term peace by postponing difficult experiences. It's strategy is simple: if something is uncomfortable or difficult, don't engage with it. Procrastinate. Distract. Escape. Ignore. The Avoider believes that difficult things will become easier later or will resolve on their own. But avoidance always makes things worse.

At Work:

Procrastinating on difficult conversations or tasks

Starting projects but not finishing them

Avoidance of feedback or performance reviews

Not addressing problems until they become crises

Distraction through email, social media, busy work

In Relationships:

Withdrawing or going silent during conflict instead of addressing it

Not bringing up important issues (finances, emotional needs)

Avoidance of vulnerable conversations

Physical withdrawal (staying late at work, excessive hobbies) rather than engaging

Daily Life:

Escapes into distractions, busyness, or numbing habits.

How It Often Sounds:

“I’ll deal with it later.”

“Now’s not the right time.”

Reset Tips:

• Break tasks into five-minute steps.

• Start before feeling ready.

• Name what feels uncomfortable.

• Focus only on the next smallest action.

• Visualize the relief of completion.

6. The Hyper-Rational — “Feelings Complicate Things”

Values logic over emotion.

The Hyper-Rational believes that logic is superior to emotion. Feelings are inefficient, irrational, and should be minimized. So the Hyper-Rational intellectualizes everything, solves problems without considering emotions, and withdraws from vulnerability. The result is isolation and disconnection.

At Work:

Appearing cold or dismissive of others' emotional concerns

Making decisions based only on data, ignoring human impact

Difficulty with empathy — seeming insensitive to others' feelings

Intellectualizing problems instead of addressing the human element

In Relationships:

Responding to 'I feel hurt' with logical explanations instead of listening

'Fixing' problems rather than listening and sitting with a partner's emotions

Difficulty expressing your own feelings or receiving emotional support

Withdrawal when things get emotional or vulnerable

Daily Life:

Intellectualizing stress rather than addressing what's causing it

Difficulty understanding your own emotions

Avoidance of vulnerable or emotional situations

Seeming detached or 'logical' when others expect warmth

How It Often Sounds:

“Let’s just be logical.”

“You’re overreacting.”

Reset Tips:

• Ask: “How does this feel for me and others?”

• Practice reflective listening.

• Notice body sensations.

• Name emotions, even approximately.

• Remember emotions provide data, not weakness.

7. The Hyper-Vigilant — “Something Will Go Wrong”

Chronic worry, expecting danger.

The Hyper-Vigilant is constantly scanning for danger. It plans for worst-case scenarios, expects problems, and is always braced for something to go wrong. The belief is that if you worry enough and plan for the worst, you can prevent disaster. But this creates chronic anxiety and prevents presence.

At Work:

Worst-case scenario planning (preparing for unlikely disasters)

Anticipating others' problems and trying to prevent them

Stress contagion — spreading worry to team members

Over-preparing because something might go wrong

In Relationships:

Over-analyzing a partner's tone or expression for signs of trouble

Assuming the worst when someone is quiet or distant

Bringing up potential problems before they exist

Difficulty trusting that things will be okay

Daily Life:

Difficulty relaxing — always scanning for problems

Excessive planning or preparation

Difficulty falling asleep because the mind is reviewing worries

Catastrophizing — jumping from small problems to big disasters

How It Often Sounds:

“What if this falls apart?”

“I need to prepare for every possibility.”

Reset Tips:

• Ask: “What is likely vs. unlikely?”

• Compare fear with evidence.

• Practice grounding exercises.

• Use slow exhale breathing.

• Remind yourself: “Right now, I am safe.”

8. The Restless — “What’s Next?”

Constantly seeks stimulation.

The Restless avoids stillness through novelty, activity, and distraction. It is always seeking stimulation, novelty, and what's next. Stillness feels uncomfortable. Depth feels boring. The present moment is never quite satisfying — there's always something better or more interesting elsewhere. This prevents deep focus, relationships, and genuine satisfaction.

At Work:

Starting projects enthusiastically but losing interest once the novelty wears off

Difficulty with follow-through on tasks

Multitasking and jumping between projects

Boredom with routine or maintenance work

In Relationships:

Difficulty with depth and commitment

Seeking novelty or excitement outside the relationship

Avoidance of the deeper, quieter phases of relationship

Restlessness during calm or routine times

Daily Life:

Scrolling, multitasking, constant need for input

Difficulty doing one thing at a time

Uncomfortable with silence or stillness

Always looking for the next activity or distraction

How It Often Sounds:

“I’m bored.”

“There has to be something better.”

Reset Tips:

• Practice single-tasking.

• Sit in stillness briefly.

• Complete one thing fully.

• Ask: “What matters most right now?”

• Reconnect to values over stimulation.

9. The Stickler — “There Is a Right Way”

Perfectionist tendencies.

The Stickler seeks order, precision, and correctness. It believes there's a correct way to do everything and that deviation is wrong or inferior. Standards are high, often impossibly high. Flexibility is seen as lowering standards. This creates perfectionism, delays, self-criticism, and rigidity.

At Work:

Obsessing over details, delaying completion

Difficulty moving forward until something is 'right'

Critical of others' work standards

Procrastination because the pressure of perfection is paralyzing

In Relationships:

Rigid expectations about how things should be

Correcting a partner's small mistakes or 'wrong' ways

Difficulty accepting partners' or children's different styles

Judgment when others don't meet your standards

Daily Life:

Inflexible routines or 'correct' ways of doing things

Harsh self-criticism when you fall short

Difficulty with 'good enough' — needing perfect

Projects taking longer than necessary due to perfectionism

How It Often Sounds:

“That’s not how it should be done.”

“It’s not good enough yet.”

Reset Tips:

• Ask: “Is 80% good enough here?”

• Set time limits.

• Allow small imperfections intentionally.

• Practice flexibility.

• Treat mistakes as information.

10. The Victim — “Life Is Harder for Me”

Amplifies emotional pain.

The Victim magnifies suffering and helplessness, often focusing on unfairness. It believes 'this shouldn't be happening to me' and that life is harder than it is for others. The victim position brings sympathy and attention, which can feel like connection (though it's often isolating). This prevents agency and shifts focus from what you can do to what's being done to you.

At Work:

Interpreting neutral events personally

Feeling underappreciated despite genuine contributions

Focusing on what you didn't get rather than what you achieved

Seeking sympathy or validation for difficulties

In Relationships:

Keeping score of who does more or sacrifices more

Seeking sympathy, using emotional intensity as leverage

Interpreting a partner's actions as intentional harm

Difficulty taking responsibility for your part in conflict

Daily Life:

Focusing on injustice and unfairness

Replaying past wounds and grievances

Seeing yourself as having bad luck or being targeted

Interpreting ambiguous events negatively

How It Often Sounds:

“Why does this always happen to me?”

“No one understands.”

Reset Tips:

• Shift from “Why me?” to “What can I influence?”

• Replace absolute language.

• Recall past resilience.

• Take one constructive action.

• Focus on agency over helplessness.

From Saboteur to Sage

The good news is that these patterns are not fixed. Neuroplasticity research shows repeated mental practice reshapes the brain. Emotional intelligence research highlights the same principle: awareness + intentional practice improves performance and relationships.

Chamine describes the Sage as the part of you that responds with clarity and wisdom. Its five powers are:

1. Empathize — Compassion for self and others

2. Explore — Curiosity replaces judgment

3. Innovate — Creativity emerges under calm

4. Navigate — Actions aligned with values

5. Activate — Calm, decisive action

   
   

Interrupting Saboteurs and strengthening Sage powers requires small, consistent daily practices:

• 10-second breath resets

• Reframing mistakes as experiments

• Scheduling value-aligned time

• One courageous conversation per week

• Celebrating effort rather than only outcome

Awareness Is the First Step. Ask yourself:

• When I make a mistake, what is my first thought?

• When uncertainty appears, do I lean toward curiosity or fear?

• Which Saboteur shows up most in work, relationships, or daily life?

Once you see the patterns, you can pause, label, and choose a wiser response.

The Takeaway:

You cannot eliminate stress. You cannot prevent uncertainty. You cannot avoid Saboteurs. But you can train your mind to respond differently. By noticing your Saboteurs, interrupting them, and strengthening your Sage, you create reduced reactivity, increased clarity, stronger relationships and sustainable motivation.

The greatest upgrade you can make in your life may not be external. It may be internal.

Learn More:

• Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine

• Research on growth mindset (Carol Dweck)

• Emotional intelligence (Daniel Goleman)

• Mindfulness and self-compassion (Kristin Neff)

Practice daily, observe your inner patterns, and watch your mind become your ally.

Ready to Strengthen Your Mental Fitness? If you’d like to go deeper and would like support in applying these tools, book a coaching session at www.maiacoaching.onine